April Fools Special

Planting the Seed - The Wrong Way

I think I can say I have traveled the world. I have been to Puerto Rico, Ecuador, Mexico, Canada, and Argentina. Looks like I am keeping my world travels in the western hemisphere huh? Anyway, I will never forget the time I went to Argentina. It was there where I feel I left my biggest mark........

It was my first real missionary trip. It wasn't just a small group of us going to Mexicali to visit the 1 2 3 Kid for the weekend, it was a 14 day excursion. It would be around 30 people who would be visiting the land of "Matee Time" (you'll soon find out what that means).

The cast of characters who went would include the usual and then some.

After an in flight mid-air scare (reX lost his passport in my bible somehow and everyone freaked out saying he would have to fly right back to the US) we finally landed in Buenos Aires.

We were scheduled to stay in what looked like a summer camp facility for Koreans. We all unloaded our stuff; the guys in their quarters, the women in theirs. I was thinking that we would be staying in downtown Buenos Aires but we stayed about an hour away from the downtown action. There was a team from the local church who would be our hosts for the time we were staying there. They were like concierges but with missing teeth.

The area where the guys stayed was filled with bunk beds and community showers like the ones you see in high schools in 80s movies. We all chose our designated beds, unloaded our stuff and got ready to do the job at hand.

The first night was pretty memorable since it was the first and last time Backhouse played a la Ashley Simpson on SNL. Some one pushed play and we pretended to play. It was weird! In front of nine thousand people at that! I felt like one of those wind up monkeys jumping around like a buffoon.

Every day there we did different things to help out local churches and plant the seed so to say.

In Argentina, they drink what's called "mate". It's looks like marijuana but it's not. It's basically an herbal tea that's filled with anti-oxidants and caffeine. You drink it from a metal straw. Making it is somewhat of a science. So of course everyone wanted to buy their own ''mate" to fit in with the locals.

We had one day in our agenda for sight seeing. Everyone was happy and excited to leave the camp site and finally get to check out downtown Buenos Aires. Then here comes cinnaBON. Drinking mate like it was a venti frappaccino from Starbucks. With one pinkie in the air as she held her mate cup, she walked on the bus with her herbal concoction. Sure enough, twenty minutes into our drive she got a bad case of the runs. She had made the mate too strong and it had caused a battle in her intestines. We had to pull over several times for her to give her newly loosened bowels a chance to explode. She had ruined our free day. We would make fun of her the rest of the trip by putting our pinkies in the air and saying "Matee time!".

We didn't get to enjoy Buenos Aires the way we wanted and were back to doing our seed planting later on in the day and through the night. We got home late and knocked out.

I had a strange dream that night. I remember it vividly to this day...................

When I woke up I realized that I had, as my ninth grade Health teacher called it, had a nocturnal emission. I looked down and my mattress had a HUGE "stain". I was so embarrassed. I didn't know what to do! Conrad was in the bed next to mine and Jazz was next to him. I waited for every one but those two to leave the area and let them in on my secret attempt to impregnate my mattress.

Rian: Dude, I had a wet dream last night!

Conrad: What! You're kidding???

Rian: No dude....look......

Conrad took a glance at the mattress and instantly: PLOP!

Jazz saw Conrad's PLOP and come over to see what all the fuss was about.

Jazz: Dude why does your mattress have a huge stain. Did you wet the bed like when you did when you were growing up?

Rian: No dude I had a dream about...............and when I woke up the mattress filed a sexual harassment suit on me!

Jazz instantly PLOPPED!

They were not only disgusted at the fact that I had raped my mattress, but also at the size of the spill was Exxon-esque. What was more amazing was the following......

Jazz: Dude why is there also a stain near your ankle???

Conrad: What....the.....hell! Why is it so far from the epicenter?????

Rian: I have no idea dude! But what am I going to do with this mattress??? I don't want to sleep on it anymore.

As Jazz and Conrad blasted the room with laughter and threats of telling everyone about the phenomenon, I did what any red blooded American would do, I simply switched the pregnant mattress with one of the virgin ones no one was sleeping on. I mean there was a lot of beds in that room that no one was using. We left the room hoping no one had seen or heard anything.

After another long day of missionary work we all headed our sleeping quarters. I kept an eye on the bed where I had left the mattress in hopes that no one would sleep on it.

I was awaken the next day by Conrad and Jazz. Giggling like a pair of geishas. When I looked over to see what they were laughing at........PLOP!

The main guy who was taking care of us, the toothless concierge, was laying in the bed, on the mattress I had violated the night before. Worst of all, he was laying face down on it!

We left Argentina a few days later.

I had gone there to plant seeds. Never in my wildest dreams (literally) did I think it would be my seed being planted in some poor innocent mattress. I might have some illegitimate pillow running around Buenos Aires.