One Flew Out on His Arm to Rest

I love to sneeze.

I mean, who doesn't? It feels good to get out a good, much needed sneeze you know? I rank sneezing up there (as far as feeling good) with taking a good dump or one of those 3 minute pees in the morning.

I have a friend named Conrad. He's a classy guy. Eloquence never escapes him. He is a renissance man. A man's man. Men want to be him and women want to be with him. What makes him even better than most is how humble he is. He even wrote a book on being humble. I think it's called "Ever Since I Became Humble, I Realized It Was Cool To Be Humble". The guy reeks of humility.

So Conrad, Ed Noir, and I were on our way to have breakfast at Dorm's. They were having a special on breakfast. In this day and age, a deal is a big deal.

I had to fight to sit in the front seat Rosa Parks style, since I usually sit in the back seat when we roll in trio form.

Conrad was talking about how he had finished composing Beethoven's 10th symphony (apparently Beethoven never got around to completing it himself) while Ed sat in the back seat listening intently and gracing us with his quips and anecdotes that would make anyone fall in love.

All of a sudden Conrad covers his mouth with his forearm and sneezes.

Rian: You're sooooo good looking*

Conrad: Thanks

*Reference Seinfeld - The Good Samaritan Episode

I then look toward Conrad only to find him staring at his forearm at something greener than Ed Noir's eyes in 1999.

It was deep throated flem that was forced out with his sneeze.

Now I don't have a weak stomach and rarely get grossed out.

Conrad looks at his throat's ejaculate, lifts his forearm and sucks it back in.

PLOP! but a nauseated PLOP!

All of a sudden I start hacking. It was the grossest thing I'd seen in quite awhile that involved flem.

The last time I dealt with someone else's flem that up close and personal was back in the day.

Back In the Day:
It was Ed Noir, Michael, and myself in Ed Noir's 4 door Honda Accord.

I was in the back seat that day (damn segragation) behind Michael. I had my window down and sat back to feel the breeze hit my face as Ed drove steadily and quickly through the streets of Upney.

Just then Michael decides to hawk a loogie out his window. He deep throats himself and spits.

PLOP! - Up my nose.

Ed was driving so fast and Michael's loogie was spit at such a slow velocity that it went from out his mouth and window and right back inside my window and some how up into my nose.

Then nausea ensued.

I never again rolled with my window rolled down while Michael sat in front of me.

And I will never again look in Conrad's direction when I hear him sneeze.

Conrad, you will make some one a very lucky person.