Revenge of the Tanga

I want to thank Oh-Day for passing up on the leopard print tangas that Ernie had so thoughtfully purchased for him that Christmas. I am pretty sure that sometimes Oh-Day thinks back to that night and says to himself, "Aye papi, I chud ef kept dose tangas". After that night, those tangas were welcomed into my underwear drawer next to my silk Animaniac boxers. Now the question was, when and where could I wear them.....

We had arrived to the hotel on Friday night. A bus full of young men and women looking for an "experiencia religiosa" in Mexicali. The men had two rooms to themselves, across the hall from each other and the women the same. We all got ready and headed to the venue where we would find ourselves in shock and awe. This was where we would meet the greatest speaker since Hitler - El 1-2-3 Kid....... ( http://dylanpatan.blogspot.com/2008/10/el-1-2-3-kid.html )

After the madness which was "El 1-2-3 Kid", the whole youth group headed back to our rooms for some pizza. Not just any pizza, Mexican style pizza. What is Mexican style pizza? Well in Mexicali, it means instead of pepperoni, you get chorizo and instead of marinara sauce, you get refried beans. My butt had an "experiencia peligrosa" that night.

The next day, I woke up and went to the restroom and had an epiphany. This weekend would be the weekend where Oh-Day's rejected tangas came out of hiding. Why did I pack them? Why not pack them! While everyone was still waking up, I was in the restroom changing into my newest and most favorite garment.

I walked out of the restroom in my leopard tanga and woke everyone up by putting my leg up on the bed and thrusting my hips while I called their name.

"Wake up Conrad....." (thrust thrust)

"YOU'RE SO GAY!"

"Wake up Pungu...." (thrust thrust)

"Yummy."

The more I thrust my then tiny hips, the more laughter ensued. I thought I was the funniest guy ever in my itty bitty undies. All the guys in my room were laughing as I did very questionable dance moves that Oh-Day would have been all over.

Word had gotten across the hall of my attire and I was summoned over by the guys in that room. I skipped across the hall in a fancy girlie manner, wearing only my leopards. As soon as I got to the door of the other room....SLAM!....CLICK. I had been locked out. So I ran over to my room.....SLAM!......CLICK. Locked out. Now, I wouldn't have minded except for the fact that the cleaning lady was headed toward our rooms. I was trying my best to hide in the small doorway that lead to the rooms only to hear the guys saying, "Let me look...hahahahah...". They were taking turns watching me squirm through the peep holes in the doors.

They refused to open the door and the cleaning lady was getting closer and closer. I thought to myself, "Well, it's not that bad. It's just the cleaning lady. She might get a little thrill." Then, from behind the cleaning lady I can see the Pastor of my church's daughter and another Pastor's daughter. At that time they were about 11 or 12 years old. A very impressionable age for a young pastor's daughter. In a loud whisper I begged to be let in but it was too late. All three ladies had seen me in all my glory. I will never forget the look in each of their eyes....

Cleaning lady - Lust
Pastor's Daughter 1 - Disgust
Pastor's Daughter 2 - Perversion

Finally I was let in and I hurried to close the door before I could get pushed out in to the eyeing den. The laughter continued until I was fully clothed.

I never wore the tangas again after that. I had them burned at a bonfire a few years after that. Only the memory of them remains. In my heart and in the minds of two not so innocent pastor's daughters and a cleaning lady.