Christmas Before the Nightmare

We all have certain situations we wish we could go back and do all over again right? I know I am not alone on that thought.

I was married once a long time ago......

Now I am not saying it's something I want to do all over again. Well at least not with that person. And thanks to Prop 8, I will never feel the soft kiss of a man after being told by a gay minister "you may now kiss the groom" but that's besides the point at this time.

Back to the lecture at hand....

Christmas actually came early for me in 2006. In fact it came the day prior to the, as Conrad so eloquently stated, the "Mother of All Weddings".

I should have taken the gifts prior to the "I do"s a little more seriously.

Let's start with the first of two gifts: The Accident.

No I didn't get her pregnant on accident. That would have been quite the ironic "history repeats itself" wedding.

I was having my last lunch as a single man with my then super gay boss who told me that if I ever needed a place to crash, I had a spot in between his gay lover and him. Talk about a cock and a wet spot. With us was also my then HR representative Johnny Orion. We had just started eating when I get a phone call from the soon to be Mrs.. I ignored it thinking "if it's an emergency she will leave a message. Sure enough she left a message. I came to find out she had been involved in an accident and rocked the front end of my truck.

Now you might be thinking to yourself, "that's not so bad Rian. Accidents happen. Don't be such a d-bag". And you're right, accidents do happen but when they happen a day prior to the "happiest day of your life" you should take such signs as a sign to the upcoming future. I'm not a big believer of pre-destiny (El Pre don't get wet) but maybe I was pre-destine to have a front end collision with this chick? A saber!

The second gift: The Hook, Line, and Sinker

Later that night we were to have the wedding rehearsal. I never understood the whole rehearsal aspect of weddings. I mean do you really need to rehearse saying "I do" or rehearse walking simultaniously down an aisle? It's not like it's a quincianera where there is an elaborate dance off. Unless you're gonna bust a Ross and say the wrong name at the wedding. Now that would have been quite the scene......."I, Rian, take you.....Tawny......I mean....." Wedding day plops right there.......

Sure enough there was disaster in the midst of this rehearsal. None of the bride's maids showed up for one. Their excuse: "We had a bible study". Wow. At least my boys showed up. And I had like 12 groom's men. All ready to rehearse their crip walk down the aisle.

After the failed attempt at a wedding rehearsal, I was taken to Hollywood for one last shabang as a single guy. It would be Conrad, Jazz, Geeves, and myself.

I won't say where they took me since some of these guys want to keep their gay tendencies hidden so I will just say we went to a comedy club.

Afterwards Conrad says:

"Hey let's go to Zed's 52s. That's where all the celebrities hang out since it's in Bronze Puddle"

So we went. It was like 2AM. We sat down at our booth and talked about our adventure in West Hollywood.....I mean the jokes at the comedy club.

Then out of nowhere Conrad has an epiphany and spoke:

"Dude, if someone famous walks in here, it's a sign that you shouldn't get married."

I was like:

"Alright dude. I will take you up on that."

All of a sudden here comes Ruffio. You know, the guy from Hook? The Philipino guy who took over as the Pan when Robin Williams who plays Peter Pan left NeverNeverLand? Come on! Ruffio!!!

If you just tried your hardest to think of who that is then you would have agreed with me that night when I said:

"He doesn't count dude! He's not a movie star. He's barely a celebrity. Jazz is more a celebrity than him and he's just the lead singer in the most famous Spanish Christian Rock band in the Americas!"

I should have heeded his advice.

Here is the breakdown of how the relationship went:

Met/Dated/Engaged in 2005
Married in 2006
Separated in 2007
Divorced in 2008

Ruffio, I will never doubt your celebrity status.