A Crooked Christmas Carol

It's the Christmas season. A time of giving.

So I give this to Blue, my niece.

The Hoax of Christmas Past:

I was quite the rapscallion in junior high. I was probably the funniest and weirdest kid I knew. And my friends back then would probably say the same thing about me.

Joe Zoo who I've known the longest of all my friends would agree that I was quite the strange kid. He might tell you about the time he came over my house to play Jordan vs. Bird and how my mom saw my new hair cut and yelled at me saying "porque te cortaste el pelo como un cholo!". I guess in the early 90s a fade was considered a "cholo" hair cut? My mom is cute. Joe Zoo might also explore the depths of his memory and tell the tale of Aunt Joe Momma's Dog Food or how I would eat my lunch like a "caveman" which basically meant I'd scarf my food down with my hands while saying "unga unga".

Omega might tell you about how I would eat food off the floor for money. Like a circus freak.

Geeves might tell you about our battles in Pre-Algebra of who could write their notes the smallest. Of course he always won because he used a mechanical pencil while I used a #12 pencil passed down from generation to generation.

But the story of my alledged Scoliosis is a classic.

It was in the seventh grade I think. Maybe the sixth grade. I know it wasn't the eighth grade. No it was sixth grade.

During P.E. (physical education) they were having exams for scoliosis one day. Had I known I would have studied. The exam consisted of standing in front of all your classmates and some "doctors" shirtless and slowly bending forward exposing your spine or whatever.

As I waited in line for my turn and watched my fellow classmates take the exam i thought to myself:

"I hope I pass!"

I didn't want to be one of the kids who was being asked to stand to the side so they could be examed a bit more closely. Especially since my then crush Vicky was in my same class. I didn't want her to think my back was as crooked as the track on the Mattahorn at Disneyland.

"Rian More?"

"Here."

"You're up next son"

"Ummmm ok."

"Dont worry son. It's just an exam ok"

"Yes sir"

Inner monologue:

"Come ooooon back! Straight as a whistle. You got this!"

Then reality set in......

"Rian, could you do it one more time for us?"

I could hear the giggles in the background. Did one of those giggles belong to Vicky?

Inner monologue:

"Its ok little pal. Maybe they weren't paying attention. Stupid adults."

"Thank you Rian....."

Inner monologue:

"Sweet I passed! Suck on that scoliosis!"

But reality is a a cruel mistress......

"......can you come stand next to these kids over here please. We will need to further exam you."

Goodbye Sock Hop with Vicky. Hello C Block from Dr. Stu.

I was "thouroughly" examined and Dr. Stu came to the assessment that I had scoliosis. They sent me home with a letter for mom and dad letting them know the situation with the rollercoaster in my back and what steps needed to be taken in order to avoid my back "turning" into a question mark like Forrest Gump's.

So I went to a chiropractor recommeded by Dr. Zacky. (reference "The Shot Heard Round World"). That should have been the first sign of the incorrect assessment but oh well.

So I had weekly sessions with a chiropractor for like 3 months. All I remember was going there and getting my back cracked in ways unimagined. I hated it.

After the 12th week of back contortion, it was over.

The Jokes of Christmas Present

Jazz finds this story so funny, him and JW have turned it into a holiday classic. They've gone so far as to add in they own TWIST on my scoliosis in true jerk fashion.

Not a year goes by that my niece Blue doesn't ask me about my scoliosis and how her mom and dad say I had to wear a brace.

"Uncle Rian, is it true you had to wear a brace?"

"No. Your parents are making things up!"

"My dad said your back looked as crooked as his teeth. Is that true? That you looked like the Hunchback of Notre Dame."

"Sorry Blue but none of that is true. You're parents are crazy. "

Thank you Jazz and JW. Spoken like true ..........

The Roast of Christmas Future

Since Christmas is three days away, I can only hope that this story isn't brought up. I'm sure it will however and the roasting of Rian will continue to be an annual Christmas special. Charlie Brown style.

Merry Christmas to all. And to all a straight spine.